Fantasies in relationships

You can get a sense of the grip that the fantasies have on you as you become aware of how often “always” and its counterpart “never” come out of your mouth.

June 21, 2021

Those of you who have been a part of our conversations about relationships, may be familiar with our observation that you are never upset simply with the way your partner is being or what they’re doing. You are upset because they’re not matching up with the way you think they should be or doing what they should be doing.

Even if they match up most of the time with the way you think they should be or what you think they should be doing, you are upset when they’re not. Why? Because your expectations of them are rooted in the fantasy that they should always and forever be the way you want them to be (at least always as long as they are with you). However, there are no such times as always and forever in reality. They are concepts outside of time and reality.

Now, you would think that in realizing that always and forever are not real, i.e. that they’re fantasies, you could rid yourself of the expectations. But you cannot -- because they are not your fantasies. That is to say, the fantasies “always” and “forever” don't belong to you. 

Analogously, football doesn’t belong to you. You were born after the game was created. It’s not your game. In playing football, you belong to the game. Similarly, the fantasies of always and forever aren’t yours. You were born into them. They preceded you. They’re not yours. In a sense, you are theirs. They’re so rooted in humanity that people who don’t believe in them are said to be cynical.

You can get a sense of the grip that the fantasies have on you as you become aware of how often “always” and its counterpart “never” come out of your mouth. 

So you don’t have fantasies, and you cannot rid yourself of them. Getting rid of the fantasies is a fantasy itself.

However, it is possible to distinguish a fantasy as a fantasy and let it be the fantasy that it is -- and even enjoy it. When you do, you may find yourself outside of the fantasy for a while before you fall back into it. During that time, your relationship -- and your life -- is different. 

As good as it gets is to be aware of the fantasies from time to time, and enjoy the moments of ease until the desire that the ease lasts forever -- the fantasy -- recaptures you. Those moments will inevitably end. You cannot hold onto them because they’re not yours. The more rapidly you surrender to the finiteness of those magical moments, and the knowing they will not last forever, the more you find yourself at ease in those magical moments and even in the moments that aren’t magical. 

Sandy & Lon

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