How Much Do You Repeat The Past In Your Relationships?

Up until now...

November 4, 2020

As you become aware of it, you will be amazed by the extent to which you have unconsciously extended the past into the present and future in your relationships. It happens [mostly automatically] in your everyday way of speaking.

The most obvious example is your use of exaggerations, such as “always,” “never,” and “constantly,” in your conversations about your relationships. Those words put something that happened or was said in the past directly into the present and the future of your life. They turn what happened into what is happening and will happen. You might catch yourself saying, “You always…” even though, in the moment, the person you are speaking to isn’t doing what you are saying he/she always does.

Less obvious is your use of “am” or “is” in describing yourself, or another, or your relationship. For example, saying “my son is careless” places the way he was [sometimes] in the past, directly into the present and future. Saying “our relationship is dull” places the way it was for you [sometimes] in the past into your present and future.    

This [mostly unconscious] way of speaking isn’t bad. It is normal. It is ordinary. 

What is extraordinary, and supportive of your relationships, is to allow the way it was in the past to be the way it was in the past simply by conscious speaking. “My son was careless then.” Or, “Up until now, my son has been careless from time to time.” Speaking the truth! “Up until now, in my view, our relationship has been dull.” 

Catching yourself in your automatic way of speaking can give you a whole new future for your relationships. 

In truth, you don’t know what the future holds – even though you may consciously or unconsciously do a lot of predicting. However, it is enlivening – and fun – to create possible futures together and then to watch how they unfold as you fulfill your promises with each other.

Enjoy each other.         


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