Our Country

War of words

April 11, 2020

In our work, in which we unconceal the basic nature and design of relationships and families, we have revealed the central and essential role of language, both spoken and unspoken. The very existence of relationships and families is rooted in language. This is also true for countries, which could be described as networks of relationships.

We don’t know if many people - other than students of history - are aware of this in their daily lives, but throughout history (which is the story of humanity, including the stories that human beings have told), countries have come and gone. Even some countries that existed earlier in our own lifetime no longer exist, except as a memory (a story of the past).

Countries come and go, even as the mountains, rivers, buildings, and people “in” those countries continue to exist. That’s because countries do not exist as physical objects. They exist as linguistic objects. They exist because they are spoken into existence. Countries, and other entities such as companies, schools, associations, etc., exist only on the basis of being said to exist (as expressed in constitutions, charters, etc., which are written/symbolized language). Without language, all that exists is a bunch of aimless activity. 

“The strength of the Constitution lies entirely in the determination of each citizen to defend it.” ~ Albert Einstein

To defend it means to profess/speak its existence and the existence of the values that it is said to represent. (Values, by the way, also exist only as a function of their being professed/said because they are not physical.) 

Years ago, we presenced our country - and our shared national values - in our lives almost daily as we recited the Pledge of Allegiance in school. And as we said our prayers each night, we presenced our family and friends - and our values - in our lives. It wasn’t only a matter of what we said, but that we said that made our country and our family present for us.

When you look now, you will see that the nature of our country’s existence - and its values - are being decided in what could be called a war of words. Advantages in this battle of words are being sought through promoting some people’s words and diminishing and discounting other people’s words (e.g. calling them fake). The words which most people subscribe to and express will determine the future of (the conversation called/named) the United States of America, because our country exists only in our speaking.

In working with children, Sandy often said that people have two tongues - the tongue in their mouth and the tongue in their shoe. The tongue in their shoe - what you hear being said in one’s actions - can be seen as one’s real expression of their intentions and values.

We urge you to be aware of both tongues as you engage in determining how and to what extent the conversation called/named the United States of America exists in the future.       

Let us know if you have questions about the power of language.

With our love and our appreciation of your power,


More To Read

Find out more about relationship.



How Does Relationship By Design Compare With Other Transformational Work?

What distinguishes Relationship By Design?




Backing into the future?

When you are focusing on the past, your back is toward the future.

Sandy&Lon, Carol&Paul



Fighting in Relationships

You cannot get rid of your point of view even if you tried.




Ordinary to Extraordinary… in a moment

How do people move from ordinary relationship to extraordinary relationship?




The Mathematics of Relationship

To have a fulfilling relationship (the 1), you must be willing to uncover the concerns, the expectations and the focus of the 1 X 1 together.





A few days after Valentine's Day, during our Zoom call with our RelationshipByDesign community, we saw something about relationships that we hadn’t considered before.

Sandy&Lon, Carol&Paul